Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Okay, wise guy, you are probably saying I got away with some shit on the last step; how am I going to justify doing this step without a god? Well, to borrow from Russel Brand again, his step three reads, Are you, on your own, going to ‘unfuck’ yourself? The answer is no, not alone, but with your help.
This step begins with making a decision. The old saying is if there are three frogs on a log, and one decides to jump off, how many frogs are on the log? The answer is three. The one frog only made a decision; he didn’t take any action, and we are deciding to take action, which begins with the next step.
The idea of turning our will and life over to anything is unhinged. We are asking to be possessed by a demon who will drive your body around and make your decisions for you. We are saying, I want no free will, thank you. This step sounds like a Christian metal song.
If you are like me, this is not possible. I can’t just turn my will and my life over. They are mine, and even at my most spiritual, it is still up to me to take the appropriate action to continue my daily spiritual reprieve. Even if I give up all control of knowing the outcome of any given situation, I can quickly put all my will and power into making the outcome I want to happen. It might even work!
The next thing about life and will is knowing what that even is. When I came into AA, I had no idea of who or what I was because I was only trying to stay high. I didn’t know where I ended, and my defects began. I was a tornado of uncertainty, self-hate, and misguided emotions when I got sober, so the idea that I would know what any of that was that I would be giving over to a higher power is laughable at best.
I have worked with many guys, and most don’t know who they are when they reach this step. How do we know what to turn over if we don’t understand it?
I believe the steps aren’t separate entities that are isolated suggestions; they bleed into each other. When one step doesn’t make sense, we have to look at the step before it and see if we fully understand that one. This step comes from the idea that this can work for us, and then we are made to work. If we know our will and life, we must continue into the next inventory step. The decision is just doing the next step; it doesn’t have to be more complicated.
The first three steps are: I can’t, He can, I think I’ll let Him. For the agnostic or atheist, it’s I can’t, the steps can, I think I’ll do these steps. We are about to launch into something that none of us have ever attempted to do, and that is to do a personal inventory where we will figure out some tremendous truths about ourselves. We can’t do that unless we are sure that we trust the process.
It’s one thing to admit we are alcoholic or even believe that this program has worked for others; it is quite another to think that it will work for us and that we will be taken care of. The third step doesn’t say we turn our will and our life to god, but it says to the care of god. The word care means we will trust our lives by knowing we will be cared for.
In most of our inventories, we see that our instincts run wild. We don’t believe that we will be taken care of, so we take or hoard; either way, we don’t think we will have enough of what we need, want, or desire. We are making a decision that we want to learn how to be okay, to feel okay with what you already have, and that you will get what you need, and we don’t have to fuck people over to get it.
The last part of the third step is as we understood him, which is essential because as we work on these steps and even return to work on them again, as we know him, it will change. Our beliefs will change; what we see in our inventories will create a new idea of our will and life and how that fits in.
Right now, I believe my higher power, which continues to be a Group Of Drunks and the power of Love, is how I understand the power greater than me. While the Group Of Drunks was a great start and helped me put the complicated questions of gods to the side for the time being, the idea of Love being a higher power was after years and years of step work, working with others, and seeking. Through my work, I can settle confusing decisions about whether this is based on Fear or Love. This may be too simplistic for some, but this is precisely what I need for a higher power that I can not only believe in but can turn my life and will over to the care of.
Again, it’s not who god is but what god does - or what the process does.
People that choose door knobs or the ocean are great, but it is hard to fathom a doorknob or a cruel unthinking sea being caring with your life and will. I don’t want to knock anything that works for people, but it didn’t sit well with me, just like gods. I needed something to sink my teeth in, and Love is pure. There is probably a good argument why Love isn’t a good higher power, but it is working for me now, and the great thing is that it could change.
I never needed a definition of what god is to complete this step. It has less to do with what god is and more about making this decision to learn what we can of who we are and what we can become. We have used different character defects to survive out there, whether it is to survive trauma or to make sure we can get that next drink. Most of these defects of character are based on fear and in no way based on Love. These things won’t work for us anymore, especially being selfish and self-centered, so I am deciding to learn about who I really am and how to be in this world.
When I first did my third step, I was on my knees with my sponsor, just reading the third step prayer out of the big book, and then he immediately had me do the fourth step. No discussion or in-depth work needed to be done. My following sponsors treated the third step the same way, a stepping stone into action and more action. We know why we must decide to learn what we will be turning over, but it isn’t the act of turning it over itself. The rest of the steps will teach us that.
Let’s keep it simple; this is just a decision to learn who we are and what we could finally become.